No money, health worse, operation possible, drugs doubled

It's been awhile and I'm not sure where to start, there's been a lot happening and a lot of nothing happening, so I think I'll just do sections of different things, and hope people read it through.

First up, and something I'd rather not discuss because it makes me mad is my benefits. Remember I had a medical way back in July? Well they decided that I failed. I got a copy of the medical, the Doctor wrote down nothing of what I said, the same Doctor who refused to examine me. I won't go into all the details, because I want to sleep tonight and not be sitting angry at the world. As it is - I'm appealing the decision, I lost the first appeal - made by a non-medically trained wanker, having spoken to the guy, the term ''wanker'' isn't an insult, just an observation and almost certainly a factual statement given his attitude, no woman or man would stay him. I now get hardly any money - and it goes to second set of appeals, which can take upto 6 months AND is in Glasgow. It's all nonsense, and as I'm now much iller - it's all things I could do without. I want to die enough *without* this stress, adding this in just makes me despair.

Talking of health, it gives me a nice link to well, talking about my health. My health is poor. There is really no other way to put it. I am very ill at times, to the point that my Dad, in his helpful, caring way has told me that I could drop dead. While I see his point, I do believe there could be better ways to phrase it. I've had my medical doubled - so I'm now on 50mcg of Fentanyl, which works in a so-so way but makes me VERY sleepy. It may get increased again, which I'm not looking forward to. Spend my life comatose. I have had some extremely bad attacks, including one where Paul was desperate for me to go to hospital, he believed my parents would take me (so did I) - he dropped me off, Dad had been drinking so couldn't take me and Mum initially said she would, then wormed out of it. As I'd said she would in previous conversations with Dad. So I never went, and instead lay about the house in agony and wailing in pain. I worry a lot about my health, and perhaps I should be in hospital, but I've gone beyond caring, that night about 2 weeks ago. I wanted to go to hospital, and I didn't get to go. I felt like I was dying. Now, I just don't care.

While I am very negative about my health, there is some good news - my weight is down and my (new) GP is writing to the hospital to put me back on the operation list. I really hope it goes through this time, I could get my life back. I could do things again, I could enjoy a drink, I can plan ahead, save money, buy people things - and generally just live the life of a 20-something, rather than the life of a house-bound invalid that I have just now. So please, if you pray or just send good thoughts, do it about this. I need this operation. If I don't get it - there is a great certainty that I will die from complications of my gall bladder. My gall bladder will eventually rupture, and from that point on survival becomes near impossible. The operation will give me my life back - and will also save my life. And I really don't want to die from my gall bladder, there's too much I want to do. So, in short - I should be getting an operation soon, or at least I'm pinning my hopes on it.