After sleeping loads with a fever, I ended up getting hardly any sleep last night. Between one thing and another, I kept being woken up. Pain, animals, alarm clocks... so in the end, I stayed up for awhile around 5am, and I ended up writing in my paper diary. I'm not very good at keeping a real diary, but I use it mainly when I can't be bothered turning on the computer. And sometimes, it's just nice to write using pen and paper.
And at 5am this morning what I really felt was complete and utter devotion to Paul. I was loved up after seeing him last night, and missed him like mad. I felt like a lovesick teenager. I wanted to just lie in his arms and feel safe. Soppy, I know, but utterly true. Actually, instead of writing about what I wrote, I'll just copy in a section of what I wrote:
Paul said last night that I'm the only thing he loves in life, which was amazingly sweet but worrying at the same time. He likes other things - and presumably other people but he doesn't love them. This came from a conversation he had with someone else, and then told me about.
He also told me that he can't sleep without me in the bed - well, he has a lot of trouble sleeping without me in the bed. He's told me this before and certainly when I'm there, he goes out like a light.
It's really sweet and I guess shows how much he loves and needs me - yet part of me still worries that he'll leave me. That he'll meet someone through work - that they'll go out for lunches and they'll flirt and she'll convince him that he could do better and he'll believe her and leave me.
For something that I logically believe wouldn't happen, it's one of my greatest fears. So when he mentions having had lunch with a woman, I tense up and instantly imagine the worst. Although it's something that happens very rarely.
There is one woman in particular that I feel threatened by and that's a woman at his work called Rita. She's older than him and getting divorced. They've been out for lunches and she's given him message/poem card things (about believing in yourself) and she's given him sleep balm to help him sleep. I kinda made my worries clear to him and used magazine articles to try and show that it does happen, and that she might be after him. He hasn't mentioned her recently, and I think my message got across, but I will have to ask what became of her.
He's always told me that he would never cheat on me and I trust him not to - but there's still a worry - stemming from me thinking I'm not good enough for him and that he'll come across someone better and will go for her. Although to be honest, my fears tend to be that he'll leave me, never that he'd cheat on me. I do wholely believe he wouldn't do that.
The worry of him leaving me has some basis in fact. He has twice been engaged and twice walked away - pretty much at the last minute. I know our relationship is so very different to those relationships and that mentally he is in a better place, but still I worry that might happen to me. Because things never go right for me and my fairytale romance - which he is - I just worry about it ending. It's one of the only constant amazing things in my life. I really wouldn't like to imagine life without him.
After writing this, it was coming on for 7am, I waited till about 8am and sent him a text message. I told him that I loved him dearly, that I worried about losing him, because nothing good in my life ever lasts. And other things, which I forget quite how I worded it - but basically that I loved him with everything I have to give, and never want to be without him. He phoned tonight at about 7pm, and told me that he'd had a great day at work because he'd went in in a great mood, having read the text message and really felt good about himself. Which made me really happy. It's not often Paul ever realises how much he means to me, he tends to spend his time worrying he's not good enough for me (I know, we make a right pair - we share the same fears).
The thing is - I do still feel completely loved up with him. I want to tell people how much I love him, and I want to just spend all my time with him. Which is what makes me sad, because I can't. We get weekends, we get Wednesday nights, and that's it. I yearn desperately for when we can live together, but at the moment, I'm just happy I have him.
I never imagined that I would ever have such a great relationship. To be honest, i never really believed in great relationships. I never believed I would be this in love with a man, that I could fully embrace the feeling of wanting to shout my love from the rooftops. I thought it was something for movies, for romance novels, not for real life. I never believed I'd find a man who loved me so much in return, or a man who I could just be me with. It's something I never want to end, I thought we'd already had the ''honeymoon'' of our relationship, this is like a second honeymoon, where everything seems wonderful and perfect, and hopefully we can stay like this for a long time.
When I spend most of my day doped, and miserable over my health, having Paul really cheers me up. Just knowing that I have someone who I can lie with and talk to, makes me feel happier.
Anyways, I've rambled a lot - and it's bedtime now. My eyes keep closing due to drugs. I'm away for a bit, so might not update for a week or more.
Thursday, 21 August 2008
Wednesday, 20 August 2008
fevered into unconsciousness - but broken now
On a note on previous entry - since my Mum reminded me. My temperature turned out to be 42, not 38, my (now thrown away thermonator) was broken, and we only found out when I was obviously near delirious with fever, and my Mum told me 38 wasn't a fever. I pointed out that I ''scored'' 34 normally on this thermonator, and it was promptly binned.
I've since recovered from my fever (having slept for 20 odd hours) - but now don't have my own thermonator. My Mum says I don't need to have a relationship with a thermonator, because I'm always going to be running a low grade fever until this gall bladder leaves, but I like knowing.
So yeah, there we go. I was in fact, as mother said ''hot enough to fry an egg on my back''
I've since recovered from my fever (having slept for 20 odd hours) - but now don't have my own thermonator. My Mum says I don't need to have a relationship with a thermonator, because I'm always going to be running a low grade fever until this gall bladder leaves, but I like knowing.
So yeah, there we go. I was in fact, as mother said ''hot enough to fry an egg on my back''
Tuesday, 19 August 2008
retail therapy
When I feel like crap (which is sadly most of the time at the moment) - I always feel better with retail therapy. Now, I cannot afford in the slightest to be spending money. But I was feverish and wishing I were dead, and unable to drown my sorrows, or do anything really - I went on Amazon and shopped.
I never really go overboard but when I can't spend at all, anything is overboard. I bought books, which is my normal comfort purchase, I need books like I need a hole in the head. I have thousands. But I get a thrill from them, I like just holding them, seeing them, touching them, moving them about. Yes, it's sad and strange, but keeps me happy.
I read pretty much anything and everything, but my current fixation at the moment is military science fiction and urban fantasy. So, my purchases were:
Journey to the Centre of the Earth
Grimspace
Playing with Fire: Tales of an Extraordinary Girl
and Ghostgirl
The first 2 are Sci-Fi, the first being a classic that I've never read but always wanted to. At £2, I decided I'd pick it up. The 3rd is an urban fantasy type book, which looks interesting and has some good reviews and the last book is one that I saw in Borders last week and adored. While I know you should never ''judge a book by it's cover'' - this book was so pretty, glossy black hardback, with pink pages, and artwork - it looked lovely. Also slimmer in width than most books, it felt good to hold, and I wanted it then and there, but it was expensive, so I didn't. It was £7 (and change) on Amazon, which is more than I'd normally pay, but I wanted it. So I got it. I'll regret it later.
The book I originally went on to look at however, I didn't purchase. It's called ''The Rose Labyrinth'' - and it is a gorgeous book, beautifully packaged, with picture cards and really just unique. But it's £12, and that's a bit much for a book with mixed reviews - and a price that I can normally get 3 books for. Here's the link for anyone wanting to check it out - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Rose-Labyrinth-Titania-Hardie/dp/0755344561/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219168359&sr=8-1
Maybe if it's still available in hardback format, I'll get it after Christmas.
I never really go overboard but when I can't spend at all, anything is overboard. I bought books, which is my normal comfort purchase, I need books like I need a hole in the head. I have thousands. But I get a thrill from them, I like just holding them, seeing them, touching them, moving them about. Yes, it's sad and strange, but keeps me happy.
I read pretty much anything and everything, but my current fixation at the moment is military science fiction and urban fantasy. So, my purchases were:
Journey to the Centre of the Earth
Grimspace
Playing with Fire: Tales of an Extraordinary Girl
and Ghostgirl
The first 2 are Sci-Fi, the first being a classic that I've never read but always wanted to. At £2, I decided I'd pick it up. The 3rd is an urban fantasy type book, which looks interesting and has some good reviews and the last book is one that I saw in Borders last week and adored. While I know you should never ''judge a book by it's cover'' - this book was so pretty, glossy black hardback, with pink pages, and artwork - it looked lovely. Also slimmer in width than most books, it felt good to hold, and I wanted it then and there, but it was expensive, so I didn't. It was £7 (and change) on Amazon, which is more than I'd normally pay, but I wanted it. So I got it. I'll regret it later.
The book I originally went on to look at however, I didn't purchase. It's called ''The Rose Labyrinth'' - and it is a gorgeous book, beautifully packaged, with picture cards and really just unique. But it's £12, and that's a bit much for a book with mixed reviews - and a price that I can normally get 3 books for. Here's the link for anyone wanting to check it out - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Rose-Labyrinth-Titania-Hardie/dp/0755344561/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219168359&sr=8-1
Maybe if it's still available in hardback format, I'll get it after Christmas.
ramblings of a miserable nature
The past two days I have attempted to write a blog, I've started writing - then forgot, wandered off - came back and I.E has crashed, and despite claiming to ''save now'', it never actually saves and I can never be bothered re-writing what I'd previously wrote.
Last night I was running a temperature of 38/39C, felt dreadful, woozy and sickly. I woke up today feeling that I had hangover, the most awful hangover ever. My temperature has been spiking up and down during the day, and I'm presuming - as the symptoms match with before - that I have an infection, probably in my gall bladder that is annoying my liver. Whenever I wake up feeling like I'm two litres of Vodka worse for wear, something is wrong with my liver. My liver doesn't work at the best of times, and for the past 4 years has never had a healthy result when bloodwork is done. It is always in the ''red'' area, but apparently not bad enough to cause extreme long term damage. So my GP tells me. Because if I was going to suffer severe long term damage, they would have to operate immediatly, but it's not quite bad enough - yet.
I've had liver failure due to infection before, and I feel remarkably calm that it will probably happen again. It wasn't that bad the first time round. I was in high dependency, and my parents and the Doctors were seriously worried, but I wasn't. I felt fine, well not fine, but I didn't feel all that bad.
Anyways, I've just changed my patch, so I'm hoping for a painfree evening. The last day of a patch is always hell, and I hurt so much yesterday. All I want is for to feel the narcotics taking away the aches, the tension then putting me to sleep. I haven't slept well in a few days now, and when I have slept I've had nightmares. My Dad says the nightmares are probably caused by the drugs. But I'm also really worried at the moment about the medical, so I think it's probably that.
I'm still pretty miserable - two days ago I was in a mood that suicide, while I could never do it, I almost wished I could. I don't know why I was so miserable, or where the thoughts were coming from, but I was sore and I couldn't see that life would ever improve. That here I am at 26, stuck with my parents, living on high level painkillers and unable to do anything. It depresses me more than anything. I try to be happy and love what I have, but then I know that people my age have careers, they have children, they have homes. And I've spent my entire 20s near enough as a junkie slave to my gall bladder.
Argh. It makes me want to roll over and die. But the drugs are beginning to work now, I'll probably pass out soon, as is the way. Maybe I'll wake up happier and not wishing I had the ability to overdose and call it a day.
Last night I was running a temperature of 38/39C, felt dreadful, woozy and sickly. I woke up today feeling that I had hangover, the most awful hangover ever. My temperature has been spiking up and down during the day, and I'm presuming - as the symptoms match with before - that I have an infection, probably in my gall bladder that is annoying my liver. Whenever I wake up feeling like I'm two litres of Vodka worse for wear, something is wrong with my liver. My liver doesn't work at the best of times, and for the past 4 years has never had a healthy result when bloodwork is done. It is always in the ''red'' area, but apparently not bad enough to cause extreme long term damage. So my GP tells me. Because if I was going to suffer severe long term damage, they would have to operate immediatly, but it's not quite bad enough - yet.
I've had liver failure due to infection before, and I feel remarkably calm that it will probably happen again. It wasn't that bad the first time round. I was in high dependency, and my parents and the Doctors were seriously worried, but I wasn't. I felt fine, well not fine, but I didn't feel all that bad.
Anyways, I've just changed my patch, so I'm hoping for a painfree evening. The last day of a patch is always hell, and I hurt so much yesterday. All I want is for to feel the narcotics taking away the aches, the tension then putting me to sleep. I haven't slept well in a few days now, and when I have slept I've had nightmares. My Dad says the nightmares are probably caused by the drugs. But I'm also really worried at the moment about the medical, so I think it's probably that.
I'm still pretty miserable - two days ago I was in a mood that suicide, while I could never do it, I almost wished I could. I don't know why I was so miserable, or where the thoughts were coming from, but I was sore and I couldn't see that life would ever improve. That here I am at 26, stuck with my parents, living on high level painkillers and unable to do anything. It depresses me more than anything. I try to be happy and love what I have, but then I know that people my age have careers, they have children, they have homes. And I've spent my entire 20s near enough as a junkie slave to my gall bladder.
Argh. It makes me want to roll over and die. But the drugs are beginning to work now, I'll probably pass out soon, as is the way. Maybe I'll wake up happier and not wishing I had the ability to overdose and call it a day.
Sunday, 17 August 2008
RIP Jay
On fluff friends early this year I met a man called Jay. I knew him at best briefly, but I enjoyed his company on Chatzy and on the forums. He was witty, outrageous at times - sensitive at others. He knew how to make a whole room laugh and smile, which in itself was a gift.
While it had occured to me that yes, Jay could die, he had beat cancer once before - and it seemed impossible that he would die. Of course, he was going to beat it - then he'd get on with his life, with his daughter, with his new love. Happily ever after, and all that. But it wasn't to be.
It's hard to think of words to say at times like these, because nothing heals but time itself, and no words can bring him back or make anything better. I feel deeply for his family, knowing the utter despair that death brings, and again, other than saying ''my thoughts are with you'' - I can't think of much to say.
But in my own beliefs and thoughts, I hope Jay has found peace and is now painfree and ablebodied, I didn't ever talk to him about beliefs, but I hope that whatever he believed in, he has found, and if he believed in nothing, he's found a paradise anyways, and not oblivion.
Jay lived fast, from what I ''saw'' - but he lived with a strong energy and filled his days with many experiences that some don't get in an entire lifetime. It's not a great comfort, and it would have been amazing to see what he done next, but at least he got a lot from life. He touched a lot of people, and he passed on a message of believing in love, finding love and also of smiling, even when things seem lost. At least for me, that was something I took.
To Jay - you were a fleeting friend in my life, someone I would have loved to have known longer and better, you brought so much love to my friends, and so many smiles to those who knew you. It's wrong that you were taken, but I can only hope that it is for a reason and maybe you were needed somewhere else. You will be missed, worldwide - and I will miss you, for reasons I won't post here, as that is too raw for me to post. But you were special in your own way to me, and in an unique way, for someone who I knew for so little time, and so few ''meetings''.
While it had occured to me that yes, Jay could die, he had beat cancer once before - and it seemed impossible that he would die. Of course, he was going to beat it - then he'd get on with his life, with his daughter, with his new love. Happily ever after, and all that. But it wasn't to be.
It's hard to think of words to say at times like these, because nothing heals but time itself, and no words can bring him back or make anything better. I feel deeply for his family, knowing the utter despair that death brings, and again, other than saying ''my thoughts are with you'' - I can't think of much to say.
But in my own beliefs and thoughts, I hope Jay has found peace and is now painfree and ablebodied, I didn't ever talk to him about beliefs, but I hope that whatever he believed in, he has found, and if he believed in nothing, he's found a paradise anyways, and not oblivion.
Jay lived fast, from what I ''saw'' - but he lived with a strong energy and filled his days with many experiences that some don't get in an entire lifetime. It's not a great comfort, and it would have been amazing to see what he done next, but at least he got a lot from life. He touched a lot of people, and he passed on a message of believing in love, finding love and also of smiling, even when things seem lost. At least for me, that was something I took.
To Jay - you were a fleeting friend in my life, someone I would have loved to have known longer and better, you brought so much love to my friends, and so many smiles to those who knew you. It's wrong that you were taken, but I can only hope that it is for a reason and maybe you were needed somewhere else. You will be missed, worldwide - and I will miss you, for reasons I won't post here, as that is too raw for me to post. But you were special in your own way to me, and in an unique way, for someone who I knew for so little time, and so few ''meetings''.
Friday, 15 August 2008
blues
There isn't much to write about. After a very happy Wednesday, I had a pretty crap Thursday. I woke up running a fever, and basically just ill. So went back to sleep and woke up at 6pm, came through to computer to go onto webkinz, then Paul told me he'd watched St Trinians without me. Well that just - for some unknown reason - upset me a lot. It has taken till today for me to snap out of it. I knew logically I was being totally stupid, and not nice, but I couldn't come out of it. I was upset and I was hurt, but knowing how stupid it was to be upset and hurt over that - I couldn't voice it, which of course made matters worse and equated to the silent treatment. Not because I didn't want to speak to him, but because I didn't want to even begin to explain.
I haven't been much healthier today, was sick earlier in the afternoon, and prior to that was woozy and sleepy. Which I think was just this damn patch. So Paul sent me to sleep while he went to the shop. After that I felt better. Now I just feel grubby, as I've been running hot and cold all day long. So not much of a holiday for Paul, who I know was worrying about what he'd done wrong for a day, then worrying about my more frequent crashing into walls while trying to walk. I walk like I'm constantly drunk. Just crash my way through the flat. Stand up and fall back down again, type of thing. I haven't been drunk to excess in about five years now, so it's a novel experience.
I'm here for another few days, then home on Sunday. I'll miss being with Paul all the time, but I do miss my animals. I get a lot of comfort from my pets, especially Jake, my dog. And I feel like Harvey will have forgotten me. Rowen (horse) and Simon (cat) won't be bothered as they are used to me not always being around, but Jake and Harvey are just babies. And at the moment, Jake has an injured leg and is on medication, so have missed him a lot. I think my Mum is fed up of text messages asking her how Jake is. Never asking how my parents are, just how Jake is, how Harvey is.
Anyways, I was writing this while a bath cooled. I hope it's cooled enough to go in it, as I said I feel grubby and would like to have a good night's sleep. I just hope the really hot bath doesn't make my patch fall off as every other bath has done. Oh, and while I didn't deserve it at all, Paul bought me a present while out - the DS game Disney Friends (where I get to care for my Disney hero, Stitch!), a little cuddly giraffe and 2 kinder eggs. I'm definitely spoilt - just wish my moods weren't screwy, or as downhearted.
I haven't been much healthier today, was sick earlier in the afternoon, and prior to that was woozy and sleepy. Which I think was just this damn patch. So Paul sent me to sleep while he went to the shop. After that I felt better. Now I just feel grubby, as I've been running hot and cold all day long. So not much of a holiday for Paul, who I know was worrying about what he'd done wrong for a day, then worrying about my more frequent crashing into walls while trying to walk. I walk like I'm constantly drunk. Just crash my way through the flat. Stand up and fall back down again, type of thing. I haven't been drunk to excess in about five years now, so it's a novel experience.
I'm here for another few days, then home on Sunday. I'll miss being with Paul all the time, but I do miss my animals. I get a lot of comfort from my pets, especially Jake, my dog. And I feel like Harvey will have forgotten me. Rowen (horse) and Simon (cat) won't be bothered as they are used to me not always being around, but Jake and Harvey are just babies. And at the moment, Jake has an injured leg and is on medication, so have missed him a lot. I think my Mum is fed up of text messages asking her how Jake is. Never asking how my parents are, just how Jake is, how Harvey is.
Anyways, I was writing this while a bath cooled. I hope it's cooled enough to go in it, as I said I feel grubby and would like to have a good night's sleep. I just hope the really hot bath doesn't make my patch fall off as every other bath has done. Oh, and while I didn't deserve it at all, Paul bought me a present while out - the DS game Disney Friends (where I get to care for my Disney hero, Stitch!), a little cuddly giraffe and 2 kinder eggs. I'm definitely spoilt - just wish my moods weren't screwy, or as downhearted.
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
Kinz and Shopping and Kinz :-D
We didn't go away, I think I was rather hopeful (of myself) to think we would. I just fail at being spontaneous nowadays. Plus I'm sleeping so much that it would probably be a waste to go away, for me just to sleep constantly somewhere strange.
We did go away today however, just on a day trip to Fort Kinnaird outside Edinburgh. It's a HUGE retail park, no ''Fort'' in sight, but lots and lots of shops. That to me is a good day out. We nearly didn't go, because I could barely get up, then I managed to stay conscious enough to get dressed and washed, then promptly fell asleep in the car on the drive there. It's about an hour there, so I got a good nap. It was one of those sleeps where you'd swear blind you were actually awake, as I'd randomly open my eyes and listen to music, but given Paul's description of him going the wrong way and doing a U-turn that made my head flap about, I was quite definitely asleep.
While I love shopping, I'm not really a girlie shopper. We didn't go into a clothes store or a shoe store, instead our first stop was ''Clintons Cards'' where Paul bought me NINE, yes NINE Webkinz. Well, seven webkinz and two lil 'kinz, but I didn't want to discriminate ;-) More about them later...! After that we went to HMV where Paul bought some DVDs, and got St Trinians (the new one) for me. Then we wandered through Game and just window shopped. Then to Boots, where I spent 10 minutes buying sanitary towels, and get this - I know it's TMI, but I bought fancy ones, right, and the first one I used, I never bled a DROP on it, then I went to the toilet and bled like a stuck pig. What, was the towel refusing to take my blood?? Anyways... I also managed to get a roll on, cucumber face wipes and a copy of ''Heat'' in Boots. Just magically appeared in my arms.
Then we went to heaven, commonly known as ''Borders Books''. I am a HUGE fan of books. Seriously, I must have about 1000 unread, mostly new. Buying books, much like buying Webkinz is a huge boost for me. I love books. I love the feel of them, the smell of them. So being able to run wild in a book store. Heaven. Ok, not so much run wild. More just admire the books and carefully choose a few to take home. I really shouldn't have spent anything. Seriously, but I'm an addict. So, after 40 minutes of wandering and fingering (ooo'er!) and scanning, I had 3 in my arms - all Sci-Fi, I like my Sci-Fi, but I'm fussy and finding the right ones is hard. Then I was settled and forcing myself to not pick up more, when I came across a double edition of a Sci-Fi novel I wanted. Two books for the price of one! It's a bargain, right? So that means I had to buy it, or I'd miss out on the bargain. Then we discovered a whole section I didn't know about, and boy, I could have taken the whole bloody rack home, in the end I just wanted 4, but no, I was good. I managed to walk away.
By this point, my patch was wearing off, and I was getting sore. But Toys R Us was there, and well, I've only been in a Toys R Us about 3 times in my life, and one of those times (and the last time) was in Spain. When I was a kid, I always wanted to go to a Toys R Us but my parents never took me. I know, I think it's child abuse. Toys R Us had Webkinz (!) but thankfully - given they were full price - they didn't have any of the new ones. I just know I wouldn't have been able to leave without a new one.
And that was our day out. I came back with my kinz and my books, and happy, tired - annoyingly sore as well. The patch had well and truly worn off by the time we got back to the flat, climbing the stairs - each lift of my right leg and it was *STAB* ah, hello Mr Gall Bladder, *STAB*. The patch took about an hour to kick in, but it's been working ok so far. Usually for the first day on it works like a bitch, sometimes I get no pain relief then I get enough for an elephant. But it's a bit more even today.
Ok, I keep wandering off, and coming back, at this rate, I'll never finish, so here's a run down of new kinz!
Sylvie - Yorkie
Chiquita - Chihuhua
Paris - (Lil) Yorkie
Flossie - Pink Poodle
Hermione - Pig
Tramp - Tiger
and to be registered from today's haul - Elephant, Lil Lion and Black/White Cat.
On ebay, I may have a few to arrive, which I was bidding on prior to today's haul as Paul said he'd buy me some, lol. Then another new arrival is the pink pony of the other day - now ''Pixie'' and as before, I still have a Bullfrog to be registered.
I'm all kinzed up! So addicted, sigh, but such good fun. They make me so happy.
I'll try and do a proper update soon, that isn't just about kinz and shopping. Although for me, that's actually relatively exciting. Oh, and as a sidenote - I got a new prescription, so checked the leaflet with my new meds, and a side effect of these is depression. So well, will keep writing here how I feel. At least that way if I go odd(er), someone can tell me. Still feeling down, but not as much, it's kinda random misery.
We did go away today however, just on a day trip to Fort Kinnaird outside Edinburgh. It's a HUGE retail park, no ''Fort'' in sight, but lots and lots of shops. That to me is a good day out. We nearly didn't go, because I could barely get up, then I managed to stay conscious enough to get dressed and washed, then promptly fell asleep in the car on the drive there. It's about an hour there, so I got a good nap. It was one of those sleeps where you'd swear blind you were actually awake, as I'd randomly open my eyes and listen to music, but given Paul's description of him going the wrong way and doing a U-turn that made my head flap about, I was quite definitely asleep.
While I love shopping, I'm not really a girlie shopper. We didn't go into a clothes store or a shoe store, instead our first stop was ''Clintons Cards'' where Paul bought me NINE, yes NINE Webkinz. Well, seven webkinz and two lil 'kinz, but I didn't want to discriminate ;-) More about them later...! After that we went to HMV where Paul bought some DVDs, and got St Trinians (the new one) for me. Then we wandered through Game and just window shopped. Then to Boots, where I spent 10 minutes buying sanitary towels, and get this - I know it's TMI, but I bought fancy ones, right, and the first one I used, I never bled a DROP on it, then I went to the toilet and bled like a stuck pig. What, was the towel refusing to take my blood?? Anyways... I also managed to get a roll on, cucumber face wipes and a copy of ''Heat'' in Boots. Just magically appeared in my arms.
Then we went to heaven, commonly known as ''Borders Books''. I am a HUGE fan of books. Seriously, I must have about 1000 unread, mostly new. Buying books, much like buying Webkinz is a huge boost for me. I love books. I love the feel of them, the smell of them. So being able to run wild in a book store. Heaven. Ok, not so much run wild. More just admire the books and carefully choose a few to take home. I really shouldn't have spent anything. Seriously, but I'm an addict. So, after 40 minutes of wandering and fingering (ooo'er!) and scanning, I had 3 in my arms - all Sci-Fi, I like my Sci-Fi, but I'm fussy and finding the right ones is hard. Then I was settled and forcing myself to not pick up more, when I came across a double edition of a Sci-Fi novel I wanted. Two books for the price of one! It's a bargain, right? So that means I had to buy it, or I'd miss out on the bargain. Then we discovered a whole section I didn't know about, and boy, I could have taken the whole bloody rack home, in the end I just wanted 4, but no, I was good. I managed to walk away.
By this point, my patch was wearing off, and I was getting sore. But Toys R Us was there, and well, I've only been in a Toys R Us about 3 times in my life, and one of those times (and the last time) was in Spain. When I was a kid, I always wanted to go to a Toys R Us but my parents never took me. I know, I think it's child abuse. Toys R Us had Webkinz (!) but thankfully - given they were full price - they didn't have any of the new ones. I just know I wouldn't have been able to leave without a new one.
And that was our day out. I came back with my kinz and my books, and happy, tired - annoyingly sore as well. The patch had well and truly worn off by the time we got back to the flat, climbing the stairs - each lift of my right leg and it was *STAB* ah, hello Mr Gall Bladder, *STAB*. The patch took about an hour to kick in, but it's been working ok so far. Usually for the first day on it works like a bitch, sometimes I get no pain relief then I get enough for an elephant. But it's a bit more even today.
Ok, I keep wandering off, and coming back, at this rate, I'll never finish, so here's a run down of new kinz!
Sylvie - Yorkie
Chiquita - Chihuhua
Paris - (Lil) Yorkie
Flossie - Pink Poodle
Hermione - Pig
Tramp - Tiger
and to be registered from today's haul - Elephant, Lil Lion and Black/White Cat.
On ebay, I may have a few to arrive, which I was bidding on prior to today's haul as Paul said he'd buy me some, lol. Then another new arrival is the pink pony of the other day - now ''Pixie'' and as before, I still have a Bullfrog to be registered.
I'm all kinzed up! So addicted, sigh, but such good fun. They make me so happy.
I'll try and do a proper update soon, that isn't just about kinz and shopping. Although for me, that's actually relatively exciting. Oh, and as a sidenote - I got a new prescription, so checked the leaflet with my new meds, and a side effect of these is depression. So well, will keep writing here how I feel. At least that way if I go odd(er), someone can tell me. Still feeling down, but not as much, it's kinda random misery.
Sunday, 10 August 2008
on... possible holidays and misery
I'm having an early night. Well I was, then I pissed about for hours waiting for this stupid patch to work, by which point I was totally immersed in playing Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights on the 42 inch plasma TV that I couldn't drag myself to bed. So it's now 3am, and my early night is gone. With it clearly no longer existant, I decided to just blog.
My last post (''Rant of the Day'') is about one of the things that won't leave my mind at the moment. I'm so nervous and worried about this medical. Insanely so. People have said to me that ''there's no way I can fail'' - but I have no faith at all in the system, and I just know in my gut that I will have failed. And I really don't feel upto the battle of proving I'm too ill to work, because really, I'm too ill to fight nowadays as well.
Paul's still on holiday this week. He wanted to go away somewhere. I'm hardly the most cheery sort at the moment, plus being comatose 90% of the time hasn't helped. Last year we went away to Blackpool for 5 days, and it was good fun. We've talked about going back to the same place this week coming, as in, leaving today (Monday) or tomorrow. I always find it hard to cope with sudden plans. I get so easily stressed, but I would love to go. Hell, I just love spending time with him.
What we'd both like is a cottage somewhere in the middle of nowhere, where we can go and take our books, the DS and the 360 and just read, play games and wander about. We are quite easily pleased. But a cottage in the middle of nowhere costs a bomb, whereas 5 days in Blackpool costs £90 for two of us B&B. Although, I'm waiting on a prescription, so chances are we won't travel away tomorrow. I'd love to be able to be spontaneous, but I can't handle it.
I'm a day early on this stupid patch. The last one fell off. Well, we discovered that the really safe place on my body that doesn't crease/bend a lot - does infact crease and bend a lot when rolling about in bed. Thus fun last night meant no way in hell was the patch going to stay on till tomorrow at 6pm. It does say on the leaflet that the patch may end up stuck to partners, so at least THAT didn't happen!
It's coming on 4am. My thinking has slowed to the pace of a snail. Drugs! Stupid things. I'll never be an award winning author while medicated to the eyeballs. I also have a new webkinz to register - WHEE - I'm happy about that, but can't bring myself to do it just now. So tired. It's the Pink Pony that arrived damaged last week, and I had anoher one sent out, and I've to return the old one. The new one is pristine! No stuffing poking out. And how SAD am I, I feel *sorry* for the one I'm sending back. Poor, injured webkinz. I almost kept it because I felt sorry for it. This is why I can't randomly visit animal shelters, I have the same reaction.
Oh, and guess I'll touch on depression of sorts. I'm as well catalogging it somewhere. I still feel pretty low. It's not a constant, over-riding feeling. It just strikes me me out of the blue, like ''well, wouldn't it be better if I were dead''. Just like that. Or I think before falling asleep that I'd rather not wake up in the morning. Yet I'm still enjoying things, but then I fall into a slump. Almost tearful at times. And even when doing things I enjoy, unbidden, I'll think ''I wish I could die''. And I really don't wish that at all, but things seem endless and that I'm never going to get better, I'll only get worse, and that in turn Paul will suffer because of me, my parents will end up in poverty, and it could all be sorted if I wasn't about. I stress that I'm not suicidal, never have been, hope never to be. I've been happier the past few days, so I'm going to try and mentally note down *when* these thoughts come, e.g. is it with some medication kicking in or something like that.
I would tell Paul, but I can't. Paul does suffer from depression, quite bad at times, and if I mentioned that I were falling apart at the seams mentally, I don't think he'd cope. And I don't want to worry him. He's been at the lowest points, including being suicidal, and I don't want him thinking I'm heading that way. Because I don't think I am. I just have hijacked thoughts, unfortunately some of them I agree with. I also do think that after 4 and a half years of this, it's just wearing me down. I want my life back.
Oh and randomly, a girl who came onto the fluff chat looking for a fight last night said things about me talking about medication, people not wanting to hear about that or being ill and really just a verbal tirade that was to attack me for talking about, well, me. I thought about it, because one of my worries was always that people would deem me a sympathy seeker, which I'm not. And it does worry me that people will view me in a bad way because of my topics of conversation. It doesn't worry me what she thinks - but I do get concerned that friends would privately think like this.
I came to fluff originally, then chatzy, and now here to be myself. Her 'attack' of sorts was on me being the real me. Truly 100% me. Because I have changed an awful lot since becoming ill, and it's been hard to change to my friends, to become this weaker, lesser person - who can't do the same things as before, and whose life is slowly consumed by illness, by medication, and more recently, by sleep. And it would hurt if friends rolled their eyes at me talking about this, because it is my life. Like 80% of my life is high level medication. The rest is a mixture of Paul, animals, webkinz etc. But those things, I can talk about in RL, what I can never talk about is how I feel, mentally, physically and how medication affects me, apart from the painkilling effects. And I need that outlet, to real people. Perhaps just for reassurance that it's OK. Because I'm not - and likely never will be - brave enough to be ''raw'' in front of my friends in real life.
Not sure entirely where I'm going with this, so will leave it there. And just hope that the people who do matter can cope with me being continually miserable, as apparently (according to said interloper to chatzy) ''people don't like it''. But then, who does like misery? It's not like I enjoy it, which makes it even more important to talk about. Although, personally I still rank webkinz for conversation over misery... :-)
My last post (''Rant of the Day'') is about one of the things that won't leave my mind at the moment. I'm so nervous and worried about this medical. Insanely so. People have said to me that ''there's no way I can fail'' - but I have no faith at all in the system, and I just know in my gut that I will have failed. And I really don't feel upto the battle of proving I'm too ill to work, because really, I'm too ill to fight nowadays as well.
Paul's still on holiday this week. He wanted to go away somewhere. I'm hardly the most cheery sort at the moment, plus being comatose 90% of the time hasn't helped. Last year we went away to Blackpool for 5 days, and it was good fun. We've talked about going back to the same place this week coming, as in, leaving today (Monday) or tomorrow. I always find it hard to cope with sudden plans. I get so easily stressed, but I would love to go. Hell, I just love spending time with him.
What we'd both like is a cottage somewhere in the middle of nowhere, where we can go and take our books, the DS and the 360 and just read, play games and wander about. We are quite easily pleased. But a cottage in the middle of nowhere costs a bomb, whereas 5 days in Blackpool costs £90 for two of us B&B. Although, I'm waiting on a prescription, so chances are we won't travel away tomorrow. I'd love to be able to be spontaneous, but I can't handle it.
I'm a day early on this stupid patch. The last one fell off. Well, we discovered that the really safe place on my body that doesn't crease/bend a lot - does infact crease and bend a lot when rolling about in bed. Thus fun last night meant no way in hell was the patch going to stay on till tomorrow at 6pm. It does say on the leaflet that the patch may end up stuck to partners, so at least THAT didn't happen!
It's coming on 4am. My thinking has slowed to the pace of a snail. Drugs! Stupid things. I'll never be an award winning author while medicated to the eyeballs. I also have a new webkinz to register - WHEE - I'm happy about that, but can't bring myself to do it just now. So tired. It's the Pink Pony that arrived damaged last week, and I had anoher one sent out, and I've to return the old one. The new one is pristine! No stuffing poking out. And how SAD am I, I feel *sorry* for the one I'm sending back. Poor, injured webkinz. I almost kept it because I felt sorry for it. This is why I can't randomly visit animal shelters, I have the same reaction.
Oh, and guess I'll touch on depression of sorts. I'm as well catalogging it somewhere. I still feel pretty low. It's not a constant, over-riding feeling. It just strikes me me out of the blue, like ''well, wouldn't it be better if I were dead''. Just like that. Or I think before falling asleep that I'd rather not wake up in the morning. Yet I'm still enjoying things, but then I fall into a slump. Almost tearful at times. And even when doing things I enjoy, unbidden, I'll think ''I wish I could die''. And I really don't wish that at all, but things seem endless and that I'm never going to get better, I'll only get worse, and that in turn Paul will suffer because of me, my parents will end up in poverty, and it could all be sorted if I wasn't about. I stress that I'm not suicidal, never have been, hope never to be. I've been happier the past few days, so I'm going to try and mentally note down *when* these thoughts come, e.g. is it with some medication kicking in or something like that.
I would tell Paul, but I can't. Paul does suffer from depression, quite bad at times, and if I mentioned that I were falling apart at the seams mentally, I don't think he'd cope. And I don't want to worry him. He's been at the lowest points, including being suicidal, and I don't want him thinking I'm heading that way. Because I don't think I am. I just have hijacked thoughts, unfortunately some of them I agree with. I also do think that after 4 and a half years of this, it's just wearing me down. I want my life back.
Oh and randomly, a girl who came onto the fluff chat looking for a fight last night said things about me talking about medication, people not wanting to hear about that or being ill and really just a verbal tirade that was to attack me for talking about, well, me. I thought about it, because one of my worries was always that people would deem me a sympathy seeker, which I'm not. And it does worry me that people will view me in a bad way because of my topics of conversation. It doesn't worry me what she thinks - but I do get concerned that friends would privately think like this.
I came to fluff originally, then chatzy, and now here to be myself. Her 'attack' of sorts was on me being the real me. Truly 100% me. Because I have changed an awful lot since becoming ill, and it's been hard to change to my friends, to become this weaker, lesser person - who can't do the same things as before, and whose life is slowly consumed by illness, by medication, and more recently, by sleep. And it would hurt if friends rolled their eyes at me talking about this, because it is my life. Like 80% of my life is high level medication. The rest is a mixture of Paul, animals, webkinz etc. But those things, I can talk about in RL, what I can never talk about is how I feel, mentally, physically and how medication affects me, apart from the painkilling effects. And I need that outlet, to real people. Perhaps just for reassurance that it's OK. Because I'm not - and likely never will be - brave enough to be ''raw'' in front of my friends in real life.
Not sure entirely where I'm going with this, so will leave it there. And just hope that the people who do matter can cope with me being continually miserable, as apparently (according to said interloper to chatzy) ''people don't like it''. But then, who does like misery? It's not like I enjoy it, which makes it even more important to talk about. Although, personally I still rank webkinz for conversation over misery... :-)
Rant of the Day:: Government Medicals
If I were a registered drug addict, on the doses of medication I'm currently on, I would be deemed incapable of work. Purely on medication.
Now, I haven't received back word from the medical yet. I have no reason to believe I've passed because the point of the medicals is to fail people. The last time I ''failed'' the medical because the civil servant reading my notes failed to read the last page, where it said special circumstances (''suffers from serious disease: tick''), and sent the letter out saying I'd failed to meet the criteria.
It really, really depresses and worries me, this letter. Because I just know it's going to fail me, then I'll have to get involved in a battle to prove that I haven't recovered since the last time they passed me. In fact I've got worse, which is consistent with the much higher doses of medication I'm now on. All this while at the same time battling with my Doctor to get me the damn operation which would make me capable of work - thereby pleasing everyone, including myself.
A proper entry will follow this.
Friday, 8 August 2008
still about
Still about, staying at Paul's. Feeling like crap, have slept pretty much all week, all day long. I suspect the new drug is to blame. It's also making me short-tempered and cranky. Or maybe that's just me. I had a massive fight with my Dad over nothing on Wednesday night, and I'm still not speaking to him. Not that I'm there to speak with him, but well, I was hurt and pissed off, still am. Then of course my Mum has to butt her nose into it all and just makes me even more pissed off, which I told her. I even told her honestly that all she does is make matters worse, which seemed to make more hellbent on causing an even bigger issue. It's put a dampner on Paul's holiday, a whole week gone and really bugger all to show for it bar a girlfriend who considers death a more viable option.
But he does treat me well, and spoil me. Today he bought me Guitar Hero on the DS, which I've wanted for awhile. I think just because I've been a miserable bugger and other than sleeping, I've done my webkinz and that's about it. When Webkinz can't raise a smile, well it shows there are problems.
I'm just fed up. And I think heading into depression with this drug. Thing is, my Doctor was going to put me on another drug and I remember her saying - stop this drug if it causes depression but I don't think it was the one I'm on, but the one she ended up not putting me on. Whatever the case, I'm miserable and nothing has shifted it.
But he does treat me well, and spoil me. Today he bought me Guitar Hero on the DS, which I've wanted for awhile. I think just because I've been a miserable bugger and other than sleeping, I've done my webkinz and that's about it. When Webkinz can't raise a smile, well it shows there are problems.
I'm just fed up. And I think heading into depression with this drug. Thing is, my Doctor was going to put me on another drug and I remember her saying - stop this drug if it causes depression but I don't think it was the one I'm on, but the one she ended up not putting me on. Whatever the case, I'm miserable and nothing has shifted it.
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
grey days
Some mornings I wake up feeling so miserable. Granted I'm *really* sore and my knee was 'locked' up this morning, but I'm guessing it's depression - just waking up and thinking what's the point? I'm 26 and THIS is my life. And has been my life for the past 4 years. No wonder I have little in the way of friends, and God knows what maintains Paul's interest.
It's a horrible way of thinking, but I do wish at times I wasn't here. And no - it's not a cry for sympathy or what not, but I am a hinderance/burden to those around me. If I wasn't here there would be time and money available that I currently take up. It's not as if I'm suicidal, and I certainly don't think that way, but I do sometimes feel not waking up in the morning might not be the worst thing I'd ever do.
Oh, I don't know. I have so many hopes and dreams, all of which are on eternal hold until I'm ''fixed''. I've gone past believing I'll ever be fixed, and when I talk to Paul about our future marriage and house, it all seems hollow because as much as I want it to happen, I don't believe it will. And part of me wants to push him away so he can find someone with a future.
My eyes are closing due to drugs, and this isn't an update I'm having fun writing. But sometimes I just need to write these feelings down, maybe if I write them down enough, they'll leave my system completely. Hah. I'm also still sore, which annoys me - I can barely stay awake due to narcotics, but I can still feel intense stabbing pain that comes and goes.
Going to Paul's today, to stay until.... Sunday? I'm not sure. Will be taking laptop with me. Keep me close to Kinz. Will catch up better with journals later, sorry I don't comment much, I can never think of anything to say that is fitting. -x-
It's a horrible way of thinking, but I do wish at times I wasn't here. And no - it's not a cry for sympathy or what not, but I am a hinderance/burden to those around me. If I wasn't here there would be time and money available that I currently take up. It's not as if I'm suicidal, and I certainly don't think that way, but I do sometimes feel not waking up in the morning might not be the worst thing I'd ever do.
Oh, I don't know. I have so many hopes and dreams, all of which are on eternal hold until I'm ''fixed''. I've gone past believing I'll ever be fixed, and when I talk to Paul about our future marriage and house, it all seems hollow because as much as I want it to happen, I don't believe it will. And part of me wants to push him away so he can find someone with a future.
My eyes are closing due to drugs, and this isn't an update I'm having fun writing. But sometimes I just need to write these feelings down, maybe if I write them down enough, they'll leave my system completely. Hah. I'm also still sore, which annoys me - I can barely stay awake due to narcotics, but I can still feel intense stabbing pain that comes and goes.
Going to Paul's today, to stay until.... Sunday? I'm not sure. Will be taking laptop with me. Keep me close to Kinz. Will catch up better with journals later, sorry I don't comment much, I can never think of anything to say that is fitting. -x-
Sunday, 3 August 2008
This post is brought to you by FENTANYL and WEBKINZ, with a little bitta fluff on top and the BIGGEST helping of FRIENDSHIP and LOVE <3
My new painkillers aren't as great as I thought they would be, either that or I fail completely in my ability to stick things to myself. Which funnily enough - normally I can stick anything to myself, or stick myself together with the use of superglue. I've got the patch held on at the moment with 3 plasters and some electrical tape. Given the size of it, it's a bit TOO much, but still it keeps coming away from my skin. I've never used patches before, so maybe I'll improve at sticking them to myself. Bah, embarassing though that I can't even stick a little square to my body!
I'm still on a webkinz buzzzzz!!! I am so obsessed with them, it's unreal. I'M GETTING THE FANTAIL!! WHEEE!!! Oh my, I am SO excited about it! I'm obsessive over this damn fish, I want it so BADLY, it has to be mine, my squishy little fishy! I haven't got a name yet - I can't decide, but I want him so badly - and it will be a ''him''. He's coming all the way from America, being handpicked by Jen ;-) I know she'll pick me a good fishie!
I LOVE all the new kinz coming out, I literally want them ALL. How sad am I? 26 and I'd sell my soul for a plushie. I have kinz still to arrive, a hippo, a black bear and a lil unicorn. A pink pony also arrived, but she has a damaged foot and her stuffing is coming out, so she's going to be returned. I am stopping myself from bidding on anymore. I really can't afford to splurge on more, and I do have enough now to get settled with. Even though I want to keep getting MORE AND MORE. It's like CRACK. However, I did tell myself that I might allow just one more between August and September, maybe the new Deer or the Blue Jay... I mean *ONE* more won't hurt.... (... and so it starts!)
And I have the BESTEST FRIENDS EVAR! Jen - who is the mighty 'kinz Queen, who gave me Sprockie and Shell who bought me Bubbles (Lil Kinz Retriever) - and I really am in awe - like - I don't know what to say, I'm not sure how I came to deserve such wonderful friends who give me soft toys (which in my book is one of the best things a friend can do! LOL) - but I'm grateful for them, it's not good enough that they are amazing people, but they bear gifts! *<3s>
Paul is off all week, as I noted last time round. Originally I wasn't going to stay with him on Monday, I was going to go to his on Tuesday, then stay all week, but I stayed home tonight and while I like being with my parents and animals (ok, mainly the animals) - I decided that I really wanted to go and stay with Paul tomorrow. We rarely get a lot of time together, and being able to ''play house'' is a rare occurance for more than a weekend. It just means I'll probably have to come home mid-week and stay, because I feel guilty that I abandon the house, well, abandon my pets. If it weren't for the pets, I'd have no compulsion to return.
That's my drugs kicking in again. Sometimes - I feel nothing at all, well that's a lie - I feel pain, and think - this thing is utter crap, then like at the moment - I get all flushed and woozy and just know that my system is laced with narcotics. The drugs are also the reason for the rainbow colours of this post, and the lack of sense, coherency. It's 3am, and I have to get up at at least Noon tomorrow. God, I know. One of the few bonuses of the ill, the ability to lie late in bed and not feel guilty as hell. Although it doesn't stop me sometimes :-/ I am a worrywort or is that worrywart?
It's a bit strange - I don't play fluff much at all thesedays. Just webkinz is taking up all my time, but I still talk to the friends from it - religiously, those girls keep me sane (and are also the only ones who read this -waves-). But I got involved in a discussion on chatzy about fluff, which OK, the whole point of chatzy was to bring the fluffers together, but it's weird. It was about the forum, and people on there, and friendships and cliques on there, with a person who wouldn't say who they were. And talking about some of the other people, and just what others are like - I really really value the people I met. How I got lucky and got all the good apples, I don't know. But I did. I ''found'' genuine people who are now better friends than some people in RL. And the way I gauge that is - chances are - these are the people if I were to die, they'd know before people in RL, because my family and Paul know they mean a lot to me. And OK, that's a morbid train of thought, but it's true.
Anyways - I am rambling and very wasted on medication. So I'll slur ''I LOVE YOU ALL'' and fall into my bed. G'night xxxx
I'm still on a webkinz buzzzzz!!! I am so obsessed with them, it's unreal. I'M GETTING THE FANTAIL!! WHEEE!!! Oh my, I am SO excited about it! I'm obsessive over this damn fish, I want it so BADLY, it has to be mine, my squishy little fishy! I haven't got a name yet - I can't decide, but I want him so badly - and it will be a ''him''. He's coming all the way from America, being handpicked by Jen ;-) I know she'll pick me a good fishie!
I LOVE all the new kinz coming out, I literally want them ALL. How sad am I? 26 and I'd sell my soul for a plushie. I have kinz still to arrive, a hippo, a black bear and a lil unicorn. A pink pony also arrived, but she has a damaged foot and her stuffing is coming out, so she's going to be returned. I am stopping myself from bidding on anymore. I really can't afford to splurge on more, and I do have enough now to get settled with. Even though I want to keep getting MORE AND MORE. It's like CRACK. However, I did tell myself that I might allow just one more between August and September, maybe the new Deer or the Blue Jay... I mean *ONE* more won't hurt.... (... and so it starts!)
And I have the BESTEST FRIENDS EVAR! Jen - who is the mighty 'kinz Queen, who gave me Sprockie and Shell who bought me Bubbles (Lil Kinz Retriever) - and I really am in awe - like - I don't know what to say, I'm not sure how I came to deserve such wonderful friends who give me soft toys (which in my book is one of the best things a friend can do! LOL) - but I'm grateful for them, it's not good enough that they are amazing people, but they bear gifts! *<3s>
Paul is off all week, as I noted last time round. Originally I wasn't going to stay with him on Monday, I was going to go to his on Tuesday, then stay all week, but I stayed home tonight and while I like being with my parents and animals (ok, mainly the animals) - I decided that I really wanted to go and stay with Paul tomorrow. We rarely get a lot of time together, and being able to ''play house'' is a rare occurance for more than a weekend. It just means I'll probably have to come home mid-week and stay, because I feel guilty that I abandon the house, well, abandon my pets. If it weren't for the pets, I'd have no compulsion to return.
That's my drugs kicking in again. Sometimes - I feel nothing at all, well that's a lie - I feel pain, and think - this thing is utter crap, then like at the moment - I get all flushed and woozy and just know that my system is laced with narcotics. The drugs are also the reason for the rainbow colours of this post, and the lack of sense, coherency. It's 3am, and I have to get up at at least Noon tomorrow. God, I know. One of the few bonuses of the ill, the ability to lie late in bed and not feel guilty as hell. Although it doesn't stop me sometimes :-/ I am a worrywort or is that worrywart?
It's a bit strange - I don't play fluff much at all thesedays. Just webkinz is taking up all my time, but I still talk to the friends from it - religiously, those girls keep me sane (and are also the only ones who read this -waves-). But I got involved in a discussion on chatzy about fluff, which OK, the whole point of chatzy was to bring the fluffers together, but it's weird. It was about the forum, and people on there, and friendships and cliques on there, with a person who wouldn't say who they were. And talking about some of the other people, and just what others are like - I really really value the people I met. How I got lucky and got all the good apples, I don't know. But I did. I ''found'' genuine people who are now better friends than some people in RL. And the way I gauge that is - chances are - these are the people if I were to die, they'd know before people in RL, because my family and Paul know they mean a lot to me. And OK, that's a morbid train of thought, but it's true.
Anyways - I am rambling and very wasted on medication. So I'll slur ''I LOVE YOU ALL'' and fall into my bed. G'night xxxx
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