health and hospital

The last few days I've been really unwell. I've been hiding just how unwell I am from my parents and from Paul - for two reasons, I hate showing weakness and also they might say go to hospital - which ironically is something I WANT them to say and force upon me, but I don't want to appear ill to them? Totally buggered up, I know.

I've had some really bad attacks, crippling pain and I've been taking shit loads of painkillers, and still been sore. I've also been having dizzy spells, and sudden spikes in my temperature and I've had a few minor collapses, and last night after carrying a 12-pack of juice up to my room, I was completely exhausted and in agony. I had to stand bent over and leaning on the end of my bed trying to get my breathing back - and under control, since it goes a bit weird when I'm in pain, because breathing hurts. Then I had to lie down for awhile, just trying to relax, since when I'm in pain, I tense up and when it gets really bad, I panic slightly - none of which helps in the long run.

Writing this down, it seems completely stupid that I'm not in hospital. I have a logical mind, and if someone else told me the above, I'd say, ''stop being so stupid and get your ass into hospital''. I tell myself that as well, but I'm just unable to carry it out. The fact that I feel better today is acting as my excuse for not admitting myself today - but I have taken a lot of painkillers today, and always taken them early so I don't get the full brunt of the pain.

I can't even fully pinpoint what it is about hospitals that has me almost phobic of them, certainly I've had a lot of bad experiences in them, and I think a lot stems back from my first ever hospital stay which was when I was about 6/7 and I broke my back, and had to stay in hospital for a long time. I viewed it kinda like prison, and I still do. That I'll be kept in against my will, won't have control over what I can/can't do.

Then there's the fact that for 3 years no one believed I was really ill, Doctors were saying I was making it up and I got ''burned'' by that. In that, my Mum convinced me to be completely honest with my GP - and I was, I even wrote down exactly what I felt - and my GP basically said I was mentally ill, that the pain was psychological and that I was depressed and that was the cause of my symptoms and that I didn't have anything wrong with me. That really cut into me, I'd laid myself bare for the first time ever - showed weakness - and had it abused. Of course, a few weeks later the hospital done a test (HIDA Scan) that revealed I was in fact quite seriously ill and all the symptoms were true and correct. But still, the damage had been done.

Then the surgeon at the hospital trying to put me off the operation (due to money reasons!) told me that I'd die during the operation. He was pretty outrageous, in that I asked for the operation and he asked if I was suicidal, since me having the operation was akin to committing suicide. I got really upset at this, as you would, but didn't tell anyone about it. I felt like it was my fault he'd said all of that, and that I couldn't face telling others and them agreeing with him. But again, I know now that he was incorrect to be like that, but - as before - the damage was done. No matter what I do now, I have a firm belief in my head that I will not survive the operation, because he really hammered into me that I wouldn't.

All of the above adds together to make me scared almost of hospital, that once I go in, I won't ever get back out again. That I'll go in, and I'll die in there, because they'll operate and I won't survive it. Although, I believe I have an infection at the moment, so they probably wouldn't operate immediatly, they'd have to get that under control. And I'd like to go in, I hate suffering. Which is pretty natural. But I just can't bring myself to ask to go in, I've tried. I've tried to psych myself up to asking, I've even went to the point of preparing a small bag to take in - with toiletries etc. But each time I come to ask, I can't go through with it. It's like I'd rather bite my tongue off than utter ''please take me to hospital''.

However, if I get much worse likely the decision will be out of my hands. Already it's hard to hide and the more I fall about the place like a drunk, the more obvious it is. Plus I'm sleeping about 20 hours or more a day. Ok, maybe not quite that much, but feels like it. In fact, once I finish writing this - I'm going back to lie down, because I'm sore and doped and need to rest.

In other news - I've overspent (well, slightly) on webkinz. I went a bit daft on them, not that daft compared to I suppose normal standards, but when you have little to no money to start with, I went daft with them. I desperately want a fantail fish because you get an underwater room with it, but I won't be able to afford to spend anything on myself till the end of September. My money was already a bit screwed up from vet bills, but I messed it up that tad further - as I've got road tax to pay on my car (which I can't drive, but require it to be roadworthy for the horses and my Dad driving it - I've not driven it in about 2 years).

And I'm really desperate for a webkinz. It's like needing a fix, I want one to register NOW. Right now, I want to be able to add a new pet and play with it. Of course, I have to wait for the ones I've bought to be shipped, but I really want one immediatly. I feel like a little kid with those thoughts, but I can't shake them. It's almost like I'd die happy having one to 'open' RIGHT NOW. Although, I also realise I'm probably focussing so much on that to divert my attention away from other more serious topics. But maybe I'll be lucky, and one will arrive in the post today - for now however, I'm going to close, because I've just started to get stabbing pains in my side and I need to lie down.