sailing high on opiate winds

Still here.

But with progress. I spoke to my Mum about hospital, about the fact I'm much worse than I was, and that my painkillers aren't doing the job and I may require to get into hospital and have antibiotics and morphine. She was OK about it, in her normal bullish way, she said - ''Then you should just go now!'' - and I felt like a rabbit stuck in the headlights of an on-coming truck. I told her I was still thinking about it, that I was waiting to get worse. Yes, insane, but trust me - just talking about it was enough to make my throat so dry I couldn't swallow. And because I stay with Paul at the weekend, my Mum will talk to my Dad - and then maybe my Dad will raise it with me. It's a long way for a short cut, but hopefully this way I'll be able to go into hospital and not be on the point of having heart failure.

Which isn't that much of an overstatement - everytime I've been in hospital, my heart goes mad. They always comment on my high heart rate/blood pressure and the fact I'm always really stressed when getting tests done. But I think I must look stressed as well, because they do always note that it's likely because I'm in hospital, not due to anything wrong with me causing those results.

I have a medical with the Department for Work and Pensions next week. It's to assess me to see if I'm fit for work. Laughable really, and worse - they may assess me as being fit for work. The tests are meaningless, I passed the medical last time but recently on the news it's been about how they are getting tougher during these examinations in a push to get people off benefit. Which is fair enough for those on benefit because they are scamming, but my medication alone makes me unsuitable for work - not even taking into account the fact at the moment minor exertion seems to kill me. But fingers crossed, I get a honest Doctor and don't have to go through the appeals process to try and get benefit back.

I'm high as a kite at the moment - LOADS of drugs. I'm still sore though. But it's like a dull ache in the background and I don't care. I have a slight flush that opiates give and that mental detatchment that comes with high doses of painkillers, usually just before I fall unconscious in a heap. At times like this - I have a huge urge to lie down and doze - but I also don't want to ''waste'' the feeling of being stoned on painkillers, because while I'm still sore, I feel good. And really, I never feel good, so when I do, I want to make it last.

My clydesdale webkinz arrived today and I REALLY want to register it. But I can't, I need to wait till the first of August. If I'm not about, Paul's been instructed to do it for me. It's going to be a girl webkinz called ''Maydew'' - after one of the first ponies I rode at Riding School. She was a big, slow plodder but a sweetheart. Really gentle and affectionate mare. Then - when my other ones arrive, I'll have NINE. Jesus, it's unbelievable. And if I want the free underwater room, I'll have to wait and get the fantail as #10. Not that I can afford to buy any for a long time. I think I'm already going to have to cancel a trip away because I've messed up my finances. But then, I don't think I'm well enough to go away either.

But I think I'm going to take that lie down now. I have an hour before I'll be assessed for going to feed the horses, since if my Dad deems me not well enough, I don't get to go. The road across to the horses is bumpy, and it can make me sore, and he doesn't want me having a major problem in the field. Which is fair enough I suppose.