When narcotics don't work....

It's 3am and I feel lousy. I've taken more drugs than I probably should do, and still feel like crap. I've tried lying down in a variety of positions, including upside-down and still, no good, my gall bladder is throbbing persistently - a dull ache - that says, ''hey bitch, I'm not having a tantrum just yet, but I'm thinking about it''.

I had a bad attack yesterday and the day before, each time I tell myself, ''this time I'll go into hospital, I'll just go in and admit myself. Yeah right. I can't face hospital. You'd think it was like turning myself over to the Police for a crime, but I can't face going in. I know it's completely irrational to be terrified of going into hospital - especially when the only way I will get better is through being in hospital and having an operation.

Sometimes I just hope that I'll get so ill that I won't be able to make the choice - that someone else will have to make it. Of course, as soon as I start getting a really bad attack I start praying for it to end as quickly as possible. I know I just need to bite the bullet and get my ass into casualty, rather than pretending it's OK and I can keep going for another bit longer. I won't even go into all my ''issues'' about hospitals, as it takes too long and well, for my 3rd entry into this blog, I think it would be just a bit TOO MUCH.

I feel so sorry for myself thesedays. Miserable, and doped. I want to indulge in retail therapy - spend money that I really don't have, on things I probably don't need. I love buying books, but I have so many now, still unread. Literally hundreds of unread books, all piled into my overflowing bookcase. It doesn't help that my painkillers have made it difficult for me to read for long periods - between my eyesight going blurry and just a lack of concentration, I even have trouble keeping up with the plot of children's fiction at times. I also like to buy DS games, but I get the same problem, I forget what I'm doing, then I get frustrated.

But what I really want to buy at the moment is Webkinz. Soft toys have ALWAYS been something to make me happy, and these ones COME ALIVE! It's like a dream come true (for my inner child who still dominates most of the time ;-)). Shell told me that some of the card shops have a sale on Lil Kinz, so Paul's going to take me out on Saturday to have a look. I'm really excited. LOL, like a little kid. Anyways, I'm rambling and should wrap this up. Will do a proper, coherant update tomorrow, today, well, FRIDAY. There. No confusion.