Pretty Harvey -- followed by misery

This was Harvey around the end of August. He's filled out some - and is looking as flashy as ever. Look at the knee action on him! He really lifts his feet, and he prances everywhere. I'm looking forward to him being a grown-up. And while at the moment I find it hard to get excited about anything, I'm looking forward to his future. We've still got to get him gelded, which I need to book. I just fall behind with everything, out of general lethargy more than anything. But Harvey does make me feel better, I like the way he looks at me. With his big searching blue eyes, he really conveys emotion well. And reminds me so much of Pepi, my shetland pony who had blue eyes and a similar temperament.

Away from Harvey, I just started with him as I wanted to post his picture. Things aren't any different. I don't know. I just don't care anymore. I wish I did. I used to care about a lot of things. I was passionate about things. Now, well - it seems everything goes wrong. Regardless of what I do or don't do. With that in mind, I really don't see the point in trying any more. And I am just fed up. It's been too long, and now it's getting too bad.

I get mad when I speak to people who say ''Oh, I had my gall bladder out, I know how you feel'' - well, no, you don't. Because you've had yours removed. And likely, or at least on average, you've suffered one or two attacks prior to having it removed. At worst, maybe a few months. Me? Come January 2009 I will have been having bad attacks for 5 years. I had attacks prior to that as well, I just didn't recognise them. I start my counting from the point of being hospitalised for near-liver failure, and it has been 5 years since that point, with complications and daily painkillers ever since. I have lost my 20s to this. So no, these people don't know how I feel, nor can they adequetely sympathise. I've got to the point where I grimace upon being told these things, I mean my gall bladder is so fucked it doesn't even show up on the FOOL PROOF scan that shows up problems in gall bladders. My result for that scan was ''patient doesn't have a gall bladder'' - yet here I am, most definitely still in possession of gall bladder.

I have changed a lot in the years that have gone past. And while I have calmed down and became more sensible - grown up, you might say. I have definitely lost a lot - I lack in confidence, in self esteem. I lack in energy, in caring about things. And I have lost all these years where I could have made my life my own. I feel trapped in this limbo where I can't do anything, my life is at the mercy of gall bladder. And I can't make plans for post-operation (if I ever get one) - because what if something goes wrong. Given I believe it will, I daren't make plans for my life once I'm ''fixed'' because I don't believe I ever will be fixed. And thinking ''is this it then?'' well - that would depress anyone.

But I guess I'll go to sleep. It's one of the few constants left. And maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get to a point where I won't wake up. Or wake up when someone is willing to remove my gall bladder, or even better, wake up AFTER it's gone.