Seeking friendship

About 4am or so in the morning I had a thought, or more a minor breakdown. I was thinking about friends and friendships and my lack thereof, at least in the sense of a ''real life'' friend in the flesh. Not that I consider online friendships any less so, quite the contray, my online friendships are perhaps the real ones, compared to the false ''real life'' in-the-flesh ones. Certainly - my online friends talk to me more, keep in touch more and generally just care more.

Prior to becoming the forgotton friend, my ''best'' friend was Becca. We'd do lots of things together, and every Thursday night we'd spend together, make some food or just do something. It was most of the time at her house, which I drove to, if not - I'd drive and we'd go somewhere. I didn't mind this - she had the two kids, and it was always easier for me to come to her. And I do prefer making things easier for people when I can. Then I was less able to drive, between my eyesight and general illness and our Thursday nights fell away, as did all other times to see each other. It wasn't even that gradual a process, it just seemed like I became too difficult to be a friend with - too much effort was required, which is perhaps wrong of me to say - but it is how I ended up feeling. I know she is/was busy, but I wouldn't even get a text message, or reply to ones I'd sent. It was a definate feeling of being shunned in the face of new friends with less issues.

I always felt that when friends became ill or whatever that was when friends were meant to be there for them, when times got hard etc. Certainly early in my illness, friends showed some interest, but then it was new, as time wore on, people seemed to get fed up with me being ill. Which fair enough - I'm more than fed up with me being ill too, but complete social isolation just makes matters worse.

So at 4am, I composed a series of text messages to Becca, trying to explain how I felt, while trying not to throw about blame. She's also pregnant - due in October - so I know she's busy, and has her own health issues at the moment. But in that - she's also more able to see what I'm saying. I wrote my message at 4am, then come around 11am - I re-wrote it and sent it. I forget exactly what I said, but it went along the lines of - I was lonely and missed seeing friends, and spending time with friends. That the last time I had been alone with a friend was last autumn when I went to the bingo with her. That I know she's busy and has her own things on, but if she has time/ability - I'd love to be able to see her and have someone to talk to. That I've felt really lonely and down this year - and lack of having friends about has been a huge thing in it - especially with things that have happened - I had Baileigh's death and no support from friends, and I truly felt like just wanting to curl up and die.

I worded it better than it sounds above, but that was a gist of it. I need friends for support, I always have. Of late it's just been my parents and Paul, and I can't be honest with them. There's always got to be a brave face on things, the ''no, it's ok, I'm fine'' - way of life, because I don't want them to worry, mainly because they already do. Not that I want a friend to worry, but I want someone I can just talk to, without the pretences. I can be almost honest with Paul, but he worries so much that I can't be 100% honest to him, because it hurts him.

I was worried about her reply. I always am when I send messages like that, but she replied saying that she's been lonely as well since Lauren (her youngest) went back to nursery and about going out next week to the bingo. I'm hoping it works out and I get to see her, and maybe it can be somewhat regular. Well I realise it won't be, due to baby and things, but I'd like to at least keep in touch, by phone or whatever. Like I exist, and don't go ignored.

She did say in her reply text that she thought I'd been seeing other friends, like Cara etc. I don't know if that was just her feeling guilty - in that she was saying sorry in a strange fashion of - but I thought other friends gave a shit. Now, in the terms of Cara, she has no transport, no mobile phone, and she is a darling. She's online a fair bit and we do talk. But she's also pregnant and 19, me dropping a world of misery on her head, when I've known her since she was 4 - I don't want to do that. I love her, and she's a good friend, but she's not a friend I can be that honest with. I have a ''face'' to uphold with her, to still be in a way the person I was to her when she was little.

But as a breakdown - the last time I saw a friend and spent time with a friend was in July with Becca, who had the kids with her. It was nice and fun, but hard to sit and talk due to kids about. Prior to that Gill came out to see Harvey, and Cara saw Harvey. Harvey by the way - seems to have more people interested in seeing him than me. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have seen Becca either. Before Harvey - I can't remember the last time I saw a friend, was probably Becca around Easter time. Most 'friends' I haven't seen this year. My other ''best'' friend I doubt I'll see until Christmas, if I see her then at all. Maybe I just kept the wrong friends?

And I know all of the above is very much filled with self pity and the like, but it does become so depressing when your world has 3 people in it and 2 buildings. Barring feeling like shit all the time, it ends up that it doesn't seem worth going on. I love the 3 people I have - and of course the people online who do keep me going, but I want to meet people, talk in the flesh, have a laugh. Really, having a laugh would be lovely. Just to sit and laugh with someone. Anyone. I'm not fussy. If I was brave enough, I'd haul someone off the street.

Anyways - tomorrow I might actually be going out. I'm a member of a Writer's Circle, which while it gets me out the house, into a portacabin, and I would call the people there friends, it's not the same type of friendship. All of the members are older - when I say older I mean 50+, with average age being around 65. So I can't be me. I have to be a refined, polite version of me. I can say I'm not well, I can't do details, and I just smile and nod and talk. I know I'm liked there, but sometimes I find it more stressful than enjoyable. I can't even write any more due to the drugs I have to take that turn my brain to mush. But I know they like me going, I'm young, I'm good for the image. I also might get to go back to dog class, where I have acquantances, but no real friends yet. I'm hoping to make friends there, but I haven't quite got that far.

So I guess, I should get myself to sleep. Rather than wallowing in self misery. I will try to do a happy post tomorrow, or at least something more upbeat (it wouldn't be hard based on this and previous).