Ramblings about love

After sleeping loads with a fever, I ended up getting hardly any sleep last night. Between one thing and another, I kept being woken up. Pain, animals, alarm clocks... so in the end, I stayed up for awhile around 5am, and I ended up writing in my paper diary. I'm not very good at keeping a real diary, but I use it mainly when I can't be bothered turning on the computer. And sometimes, it's just nice to write using pen and paper.

And at 5am this morning what I really felt was complete and utter devotion to Paul. I was loved up after seeing him last night, and missed him like mad. I felt like a lovesick teenager. I wanted to just lie in his arms and feel safe. Soppy, I know, but utterly true. Actually, instead of writing about what I wrote, I'll just copy in a section of what I wrote:

Paul said last night that I'm the only thing he loves in life, which was amazingly sweet but worrying at the same time. He likes other things - and presumably other people but he doesn't love them. This came from a conversation he had with someone else, and then told me about.

He also told me that he can't sleep without me in the bed - well, he has a lot of trouble sleeping without me in the bed. He's told me this before and certainly when I'm there, he goes out like a light.

It's really sweet and I guess shows how much he loves and needs me - yet part of me still worries that he'll leave me. That he'll meet someone through work - that they'll go out for lunches and they'll flirt and she'll convince him that he could do better and he'll believe her and leave me.

For something that I logically believe wouldn't happen, it's one of my greatest fears. So when he mentions having had lunch with a woman, I tense up and instantly imagine the worst. Although it's something that happens very rarely.

There is one woman in particular that I feel threatened by and that's a woman at his work called Rita. She's older than him and getting divorced. They've been out for lunches and she's given him message/poem card things (about believing in yourself) and she's given him sleep balm to help him sleep. I kinda made my worries clear to him and used magazine articles to try and show that it does happen, and that she might be after him. He hasn't mentioned her recently, and I think my message got across, but I will have to ask what became of her.

He's always told me that he would never cheat on me and I trust him not to - but there's still a worry - stemming from me thinking I'm not good enough for him and that he'll come across someone better and will go for her. Although to be honest, my fears tend to be that he'll leave me, never that he'd cheat on me. I do wholely believe he wouldn't do that.

The worry of him leaving me has some basis in fact. He has twice been engaged and twice walked away - pretty much at the last minute. I know our relationship is so very different to those relationships and that mentally he is in a better place, but still I worry that might happen to me. Because things never go right for me and my fairytale romance - which he is - I just worry about it ending. It's one of the only constant amazing things in my life. I really wouldn't like to imagine life without him.

After writing this, it was coming on for 7am, I waited till about 8am and sent him a text message. I told him that I loved him dearly, that I worried about losing him, because nothing good in my life ever lasts. And other things, which I forget quite how I worded it - but basically that I loved him with everything I have to give, and never want to be without him. He phoned tonight at about 7pm, and told me that he'd had a great day at work because he'd went in in a great mood, having read the text message and really felt good about himself. Which made me really happy. It's not often Paul ever realises how much he means to me, he tends to spend his time worrying he's not good enough for me (I know, we make a right pair - we share the same fears).

The thing is - I do still feel completely loved up with him. I want to tell people how much I love him, and I want to just spend all my time with him. Which is what makes me sad, because I can't. We get weekends, we get Wednesday nights, and that's it. I yearn desperately for when we can live together, but at the moment, I'm just happy I have him.

I never imagined that I would ever have such a great relationship. To be honest, i never really believed in great relationships. I never believed I would be this in love with a man, that I could fully embrace the feeling of wanting to shout my love from the rooftops. I thought it was something for movies, for romance novels, not for real life. I never believed I'd find a man who loved me so much in return, or a man who I could just be me with. It's something I never want to end, I thought we'd already had the ''honeymoon'' of our relationship, this is like a second honeymoon, where everything seems wonderful and perfect, and hopefully we can stay like this for a long time.

When I spend most of my day doped, and miserable over my health, having Paul really cheers me up. Just knowing that I have someone who I can lie with and talk to, makes me feel happier.

Anyways, I've rambled a lot - and it's bedtime now. My eyes keep closing due to drugs. I'm away for a bit, so might not update for a week or more.