on... possible holidays and misery

I'm having an early night. Well I was, then I pissed about for hours waiting for this stupid patch to work, by which point I was totally immersed in playing Juiced 2: Hot Import Nights on the 42 inch plasma TV that I couldn't drag myself to bed. So it's now 3am, and my early night is gone. With it clearly no longer existant, I decided to just blog.

My last post (''Rant of the Day'') is about one of the things that won't leave my mind at the moment. I'm so nervous and worried about this medical. Insanely so. People have said to me that ''there's no way I can fail'' - but I have no faith at all in the system, and I just know in my gut that I will have failed. And I really don't feel upto the battle of proving I'm too ill to work, because really, I'm too ill to fight nowadays as well.

Paul's still on holiday this week. He wanted to go away somewhere. I'm hardly the most cheery sort at the moment, plus being comatose 90% of the time hasn't helped. Last year we went away to Blackpool for 5 days, and it was good fun. We've talked about going back to the same place this week coming, as in, leaving today (Monday) or tomorrow. I always find it hard to cope with sudden plans. I get so easily stressed, but I would love to go. Hell, I just love spending time with him.

What we'd both like is a cottage somewhere in the middle of nowhere, where we can go and take our books, the DS and the 360 and just read, play games and wander about. We are quite easily pleased. But a cottage in the middle of nowhere costs a bomb, whereas 5 days in Blackpool costs £90 for two of us B&B. Although, I'm waiting on a prescription, so chances are we won't travel away tomorrow. I'd love to be able to be spontaneous, but I can't handle it.

I'm a day early on this stupid patch. The last one fell off. Well, we discovered that the really safe place on my body that doesn't crease/bend a lot - does infact crease and bend a lot when rolling about in bed. Thus fun last night meant no way in hell was the patch going to stay on till tomorrow at 6pm. It does say on the leaflet that the patch may end up stuck to partners, so at least THAT didn't happen!

It's coming on 4am. My thinking has slowed to the pace of a snail. Drugs! Stupid things. I'll never be an award winning author while medicated to the eyeballs. I also have a new webkinz to register - WHEE - I'm happy about that, but can't bring myself to do it just now. So tired. It's the Pink Pony that arrived damaged last week, and I had anoher one sent out, and I've to return the old one. The new one is pristine! No stuffing poking out. And how SAD am I, I feel *sorry* for the one I'm sending back. Poor, injured webkinz. I almost kept it because I felt sorry for it. This is why I can't randomly visit animal shelters, I have the same reaction.

Oh, and guess I'll touch on depression of sorts. I'm as well catalogging it somewhere. I still feel pretty low. It's not a constant, over-riding feeling. It just strikes me me out of the blue, like ''well, wouldn't it be better if I were dead''. Just like that. Or I think before falling asleep that I'd rather not wake up in the morning. Yet I'm still enjoying things, but then I fall into a slump. Almost tearful at times. And even when doing things I enjoy, unbidden, I'll think ''I wish I could die''. And I really don't wish that at all, but things seem endless and that I'm never going to get better, I'll only get worse, and that in turn Paul will suffer because of me, my parents will end up in poverty, and it could all be sorted if I wasn't about. I stress that I'm not suicidal, never have been, hope never to be. I've been happier the past few days, so I'm going to try and mentally note down *when* these thoughts come, e.g. is it with some medication kicking in or something like that.

I would tell Paul, but I can't. Paul does suffer from depression, quite bad at times, and if I mentioned that I were falling apart at the seams mentally, I don't think he'd cope. And I don't want to worry him. He's been at the lowest points, including being suicidal, and I don't want him thinking I'm heading that way. Because I don't think I am. I just have hijacked thoughts, unfortunately some of them I agree with. I also do think that after 4 and a half years of this, it's just wearing me down. I want my life back.

Oh and randomly, a girl who came onto the fluff chat looking for a fight last night said things about me talking about medication, people not wanting to hear about that or being ill and really just a verbal tirade that was to attack me for talking about, well, me. I thought about it, because one of my worries was always that people would deem me a sympathy seeker, which I'm not. And it does worry me that people will view me in a bad way because of my topics of conversation. It doesn't worry me what she thinks - but I do get concerned that friends would privately think like this.

I came to fluff originally, then chatzy, and now here to be myself. Her 'attack' of sorts was on me being the real me. Truly 100% me. Because I have changed an awful lot since becoming ill, and it's been hard to change to my friends, to become this weaker, lesser person - who can't do the same things as before, and whose life is slowly consumed by illness, by medication, and more recently, by sleep. And it would hurt if friends rolled their eyes at me talking about this, because it is my life. Like 80% of my life is high level medication. The rest is a mixture of Paul, animals, webkinz etc. But those things, I can talk about in RL, what I can never talk about is how I feel, mentally, physically and how medication affects me, apart from the painkilling effects. And I need that outlet, to real people. Perhaps just for reassurance that it's OK. Because I'm not - and likely never will be - brave enough to be ''raw'' in front of my friends in real life.

Not sure entirely where I'm going with this, so will leave it there. And just hope that the people who do matter can cope with me being continually miserable, as apparently (according to said interloper to chatzy) ''people don't like it''. But then, who does like misery? It's not like I enjoy it, which makes it even more important to talk about. Although, personally I still rank webkinz for conversation over misery... :-)