grey days

Some mornings I wake up feeling so miserable. Granted I'm *really* sore and my knee was 'locked' up this morning, but I'm guessing it's depression - just waking up and thinking what's the point? I'm 26 and THIS is my life. And has been my life for the past 4 years. No wonder I have little in the way of friends, and God knows what maintains Paul's interest.

It's a horrible way of thinking, but I do wish at times I wasn't here. And no - it's not a cry for sympathy or what not, but I am a hinderance/burden to those around me. If I wasn't here there would be time and money available that I currently take up. It's not as if I'm suicidal, and I certainly don't think that way, but I do sometimes feel not waking up in the morning might not be the worst thing I'd ever do.

Oh, I don't know. I have so many hopes and dreams, all of which are on eternal hold until I'm ''fixed''. I've gone past believing I'll ever be fixed, and when I talk to Paul about our future marriage and house, it all seems hollow because as much as I want it to happen, I don't believe it will. And part of me wants to push him away so he can find someone with a future.

My eyes are closing due to drugs, and this isn't an update I'm having fun writing. But sometimes I just need to write these feelings down, maybe if I write them down enough, they'll leave my system completely. Hah. I'm also still sore, which annoys me - I can barely stay awake due to narcotics, but I can still feel intense stabbing pain that comes and goes.

Going to Paul's today, to stay until.... Sunday? I'm not sure. Will be taking laptop with me. Keep me close to Kinz. Will catch up better with journals later, sorry I don't comment much, I can never think of anything to say that is fitting. -x-