Fentanyl, holiday with nana, kinz and harvey

I started a new painkiller today to replace my pethidine. Instead of taking pethidine during the day, I now have a Fentanyl patch at a rate of 25mg per hour. I put the first patch on today at 2pm (and for my own memory purposes - that was THURS @ 2pm, making it SUN @ 2pm for patch change!) and although it says the first day it works at a lower potency, damn I feel rough.

I've never used a patch before for anything, and I was a bit unsure of how well it would work. Of course I know it DOES work - believing in science - but seeing it, this little square of sticky plastic, it just doesn't seem like it should work. But as it is, it kicked in pretty fast. About an hour after taking it - I was sitting down and had been for awhile, then stood up - and the world just started spinning. It was like too much alcohol over a short period of time and standing up fast. Really horrible feeling. Then it seemed to ease off, although my Dad said I had slow speech and looked doped.

Over the course of the night I've felt pretty sickly, almost feverish and I really dread to think what it will be like at full potency tomorrow. I guess I'll wait and see. And oh shit, as memory kicks in - in a few weeks I'm meant to be going on holiday with my Nana, it's all booked. We're spending five days in Forfar at a hotel - but - I'm meant to drive there and around the place. I'd said when we arranged it that I'd just not take my painkillers, but this may mean having to come off this for the week, because Jesus, if it doesn't get better, I'll be too fucked to drive.

And the reason why I'm going on holiday is that it's my Nana's birthday in a few days and ALL she wanted for birthday was a holiday and no one would go with her, so I said I would. I'll enjoy it, but the driving aspect is worrying me. As is the general not being in hospital thus ruining it. Yes, I know she'd rather my health than holiday, but still worries me.

Anyways, away from drugs and worries. New Kinz arrived today! They are:

Chai Lai - the siamese - girl
Tuppence - the black cat - boy

Chai Lai is a name I found on a website and it's meant to mean ''beautiful'' and Tuppence is named after one of my first pets, a beautiful black tom cat who lived until he was 19 and was like a black panther. Chai Lai has a very elegant room, while Tuppence is a pirate! My Bullfrog also arrived but he can't be registered till September, when he's POTM and I have no idea what to call him. I didn't think I'd like him, but man, he's ADORABLE. He's a big squishy face and cute eyes. I LOVE HIM, and definitely a him.

Paul also paid for me to get a Hippo, a Black Bear and a Lil Kinz Unicorn. I'm really spoiled at the moment with Kinz, so much so that my obsession is being fulfilled and I'm not going into withdrawal wanting MORE MORE MORE! Although granted, that will happen soon no doubt! I'm like a little kid.

Harvey (my real horse, rather than my pinto webkinz!) is coming on leaps and bounds. It's honestly hard to believe he's so young at times, well except when he leaps into the air because he stamped on his metal food dish and it went CLANG - but he's so friendly and affectionate. He's nipped me a few times now, but only once on purpose and he got his nose slapped, which was so unexpected he leapt backwards and looked at me like I'd turned into the devil. I brought him back into me and told him ''NO'' again, and he seemed to get it. I don't like having to hit horses, but things like biting can't be allowed, especially with kids that visit.

He follows me about now as well, and he walks companionably beside or behind me about the field and if he stops, I just turn around and say, ''come on then!'' and he almost looks like he shrugs his shoulders and goes, ''alright then''. I never have to apply any pressure or force. I don't want a horse I have to haul and pull on a leadrope to get them moving, and I like this gentle and easy working that I have with him. It's been so long since I trained a youngster that I'm not sure where to start, so many options and ideas, but at the moment taking things slow and easy is enjoyable for us both.

Anyways, I'll close here. Not sure how much I'll update as Paul is off for the next two weeks, and I'll be at his a lot. He doesn't know about this blog, and with a will to keep it my secret place, I don't want to be ''caught'' updating it. It's stupid, I know. But if he knows about this, and reads it, then I won't be able to be honest in it and use it for what I want.